Wow. June will mark the halfway point of my mile a day. No missed days, minor cheating (mile-ing while shopping for example), and pretty strong, muscly legs peeking through the fat.

One of the biggest problems I’ve faced so far is rest days. I was taking advantage of the strolling aspect so I forced myself to stop. Now I have to start again. I went hiking the other day and I couldn’t finish the trail I do (Mormon Trail) because my legs were quivering. Legitimately quivering… It was bizarre. Slow walk miles are reinstated, once or twice a week.

I did have a close call on Friday night. I went to happy hour with some co-worker/friends and was having so much fun I didn’t leave until almost 11pm. Walked around the complex when I got home and had my one mile in by 11:45-ish. It was a close call. I would have been so mad at myself if I had missed it for a couple of Blue Moons. . . mmmm, beer.

Anywho. . .

All in all, I think things are going well. I’m trying to pick up the running pace and distance, shutting out the negative thoughts about how much running sucks. I’m striving right now for a runners high. Hopefully that kicks in soon.

I’ve been enamored with the body changes and not so much with the numbers on the scale. I am working on the stomach fat, and I want a better butt. I get so impatient that I forget that I’m also building muscle and weight will fluctuate. I just want everything to go faster…

In other news, work is WAY better. They hired someone to take my second position away and now I will only be doing one person’s job. I have withdrawn from my summer classes and decided to relax this summer. Going to Pittsburgh in about a month to hang with my sister so that will be fun. I don’t know how much running I’ll do, since we are a walking tour kind of family, but I’ll still get my miles in.

All in all, feeling good, feeling healthy, feeling (mostly) confident.

The original recipe suggested mini muffin pans. If you have them, I’d recommend them. I don’t have those, so I just made this in a 3-cup rectangular Pyrex dish.

I thought there wasn’t enough chocolate (and ended up making another 1/2 batch of chocolate), but once I cut into the final product, I realized that the peanut butter just hadn’t frozen and a lot of the chocolate had worked its way into the peanut butter. So if you’re making these in one large container, leave a lot more freezer time for the peanut butter before adding the chocolate.

Also, it’s a little difficult to cut. So yeah: individual servings would be ideal.

Regardless of the few little troubles I had, this recipe is delicious! Everything else I’ve tried that is sweetened with honey tasted like honey … and I’m not a big fan of honey. This is sweetened with honey but doesn’t have a honey taste. Hooray!

Without further ado, the recipe for chocolate peanut butter bites!

Chocolate Peanut Butter Bites

the peanut butter part:

• 3/4 cup natural creamy peanut butter
• 1/4 cup coconut oil
• 2 tablespoons honey

Mix ingredients. The coconut oil is easier to mix if it is melted. It has a VERY low melting point (it’s liquid in our kitchen cabinet for half of the year). Use the stove top with low heat and not the microwave for this endeavor.

Pour into container of your choice. If using individual serving containers (mini muffin trays, silicone trays with fun shapes, etc.), fill roughly half way.

Put in the freezer while making the chocolate part. If you’re using one dish, you’re going to need more time in the freezer. (I haven’t tried it again yet, but I’m estimating an hour or so?)

the chocolate part:

• 2 tablespoons coconut oil
• 2 tablespoons butter
• 2 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa
• 2 tablespoons honey

I had saved a container from a stick deodorant and decided it was time to fill it.

My hesitation all this time with making stick deodorant is that all of the recipes except for one use coconut oil as the base. Coconut oil melts at 76 degrees. We do not keep the house that cool year-round (we’d have a zillion dollar electric bill!), which means I’d need to keep it in the fridge. (The one that doesn’t rely on coconut oil uses shea butter, which I could only find in fragranced versions. Blah.)

So I made it and I keep it in the fridge. The part I was concerned out — chilly pits! — has not been an issue at all. The issue I’ve had a couple of times is remembering to put it on, since I don’t have a fridge in the bathroom.

Interesting thing that I noticed: since I started using natural deodorants, I can get away with not wearing deodorant on a day that I’m not really sweaty and not stink. This was definitely not true before. Why is this so? I don’t know. Don’t really care, though — it’s a very nice side effect

So the recipe!

• 3/8 cup melted coconut oil (that’s 6 tablespoons)
• 1/4 cup baking soda
• 1/3 cup cornstarch

Mix. Pour into container.

That’s it!

You can add a few drops of your favorite essential oil, if you like fragrance. Tea tree oil is some pretty amazing stuff and will help reduce the stink as well. I haven’t used it yet, so I can’t attest to what it smells like, but it has some amazing properties.

Unlike no-poo shampoo, this deodorant has no breaking-in period. You just use it, and it works. Makes sense that it would take care of smells — it’s main ingredient is baking soda. Baking soda is the anti-stink go-to product.

Also, because mine is in the fridge, I need to leave it out for a minute before I can roll it up. This is only an issue every now and then, as I’ve taken to just rolling it up about 1/4 inch over the top of the container anyway. The lid more than accommodates.

Are you a homemade deodorant kind of person?

So I’ve decided to add to my life adventure. I’m always coming up with new things I think I should do. Some have been a struggle (mindful eating) and some have been a struggle but a success (mile a day).

And now my life transformation continues. I have three areas if my life I’ve yet to really work on that I am going to start taking care of. Let me share them with you.

1. Emotions
I have always been aware that I have mental/emotional issues that I’ve never addressed, as most, if not all, of us do. No real psychiatric stuff, just general things that come up here and there that I make jokes about or ignore. The first is my relationship with food. Although I eat healthy, I still have automatic mental and physical reactions when I’m upset. I want to eat. This is because when I’m “emotionally eating” I don’t have to think about my emotions. I have to get past that or it’s going to bite me in the butt someday. The second is just random family stuff, daddy issues, communication, etc… So I’m shopping for a therapist. I work in an office with about four of them, but it’s not really the same thing.

2. Finances
I suck at managing my money. Even when I’m not shopping, I still don’t seem to have enough. First stop is Financial Peace University with Dave Ramsey. I have a large number of friends who have been following Dave’s advice and I’ve read a lot about him, so I registered.

3. Smoking
This is going to be the hardest habit of all to kick. I am aiming for my 33rd birthday, but mistakes will be allowed until the end of this year. But I have a taper down method all ready to start on June 1st. I think this may be the most challenging thing I do.

I have also been dissatisfied with the slowness that the weight is coming off. I need to kick my mile up a notch, but at the same time start giving my legs a more significant rest period. I will be biking two days a week, slow walking one to two days a week, and running the other days. Running days will have breaks in between them but will gradually increase in distance, not counting warm-up and cool down. (I really like parameters. I’m like to be specific so I know what I expect.) I have made three specific categories on my iCal and will have to schedule these activities. Plus! The hiking will continue for at least one day a week. I count this as running. So for instance May 14 through May 20 will look like this:
Monday: run/walk (it was so hot) 1.25m
Tuesday: bike 30 minutes
Wednesday: hiking
Thursday: slow walk
Friday: run/walk 1.25
Saturday: bike 30 minutes
Sunday: run 1.25m

I’m crazy. You can say it.

I tried making my own breadcrumbs, and I have to tell ya, it was a pain. More difficult/time consuming than I expected. I have recently learned about panko breadcrumbs and plan to try those the next time I make this.

The original recipe calls for mayo in the sauce, but I’m not a big fan of mayo. We don’t have any on hand and we wouldn’t use it for anything else, so I just left it out (as you’ll see below), and the sauce was still quite tasty. It also called for asparagus and broccoli, but our broccoli went bad before I made these so we only used asparagus. After making the recipe as noted below, we had egg, breadcrumbs, and dipping sauce left, so this will easily make more than the dozen spears listed.

Parmesan-Crusted Veggies & Sweet Onion Sauce

ingredients

• 12 asparagus spears, washed and ends snapped off
• 1 egg, beaten
• 3/4 cups of seasoned bread crumbs (if using plain crumbs, just season with salt and pepper, and italian spices, ie: onion, garlic, parsley, basil, paprika, etc.)
• 1/8 cup grated parmesan cheese
• 1/2 onion, sliced
• 1 tablespoon oil or butter
• 1/2 tablespoon brown sugar
• salt and pepper, to taste
• 1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar
• 1 tablespoon honey
• 1/2 tablespoon spicy mustard
• 1/4 cup plain Greek yogurt

1. Snap ends off of asparagus.
2. In separate bowls, place beaten eggs and bread crumb/parmesan cheese mixture. I used the tray the asparagus came in for the egg and a dish for the breadcrumb mixture. Later I noticed that the recipe called for the stalks to be cut in half. Would have made this step simpler.
3. Coat each stalk in the egg wash, transfer to the bread crumb mix and coat, then place on a cookie sheet. I didn’t spray or otherwise prepare the sheet and didn’t have issues with sticking.
4. Bake in oven at 425 degrees for 15-20 minutes, until golden and crispy.
5. While asparagus is baking, heat oil or butter in a pan on medium heat. Add the onions, sugar, salt, and pepper. Cook the onions, stirring occasionally until onions caramelize, 12-15 minutes.
6. Transfer onions to a blender or food processor. Add the vinegar, honey, and mustard; blend until almost smooth.
7. Transfer to a bowl, and mix in the yogurt.

I made it. After a pretty scary couple of weeks, I am feeling better than ever. I took a solitary weekend and vegetated. I read in bed, took two-hour naps, watched mindless TV, and played Xbox. It was amazing.

I just let everything get to me and I got really overwhelmed. I let go of my mottos (happiness is a choice, let go let God) and I couldn’t seem to get them back. I saw it coming and probably could have taken some preventative measures, but I have this undying need to do it all and make sure I know I have done anything and everything before I can relax.

That causes a lot of problems with my mental health. My job, my classes, the books and articles I read all stress self-care. I just have let that go.

Last Tuesday was a huge wakeup call. I had a moment at work where I was thinking, “I literally cannot stop crying. Someone is going to have to take me to the hospital.” Working with psychiatrically hospitalized adults, I know the signs. It’s my job to do crisis intervention and stabilization. I was too busy focusing on them; I forgot about me.

It wasn’t even just about work. It was this whole mess of crap that seemed to crash down at once. And some really trivial things. I was freaking out about money. My bills are paid. But I can’t buy pants…which I need. Literally need. I think my office might take up a collection, which would be awesome…

But I’m good now. Things have worked themselves out and I’ve let go of some things that needed to be let go of. For instance, I’m not willing to take out a $4000 personal loan for two summer school classes and I definitely don’t have the money for even one class. So…no summer school.

So next week, it’s back to health and wellness and mile talk. I just had a minor freak out and now I’m better. Just as I figured I had to be at some point.

Best part, I still mile-d everyday!

I haven’t used Dr. Bronner’s (yet?), but I know a lot of people do. Don’t worry — it’s not bad.

Just don’t mix Dr. Bronner’s Castille soap with vinegar or lemon juice.

See here to learn why.

There is an Ethiopian restaurant in town that The Big Man and I have long been fans of. They have soup called shorba that we both love. We have said for a long time that we need to find a recipe. We have tried a couple and they weren’t any good. Finally, we found a recipe that makes something pretty close to what we have when we’re out. But it called for berbere, an Ethiopian spice. That is not readily available, so we made that as well from a recipe on Epicurious. I didn’t note where the shorba recipe is from. If you recognize it, let me know — I’d like to attribute it.

Berbere (Ethiopian Spice Mix)

• 1/2 teaspoon fenugreek
• 1/2 cup ground dried New Mexico chiles
• 1/4 cup paprika
• 1 tablespoon salt
• 1 teaspoon ground ginger
• 1 teaspoon onion powder
• 1/2 teaspoon ground cardamom
• 1/2 teaspoon ground coriander
• 1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
• 1/4 teaspoon garlic powder
• 1/8 teaspoon ground cloves
• 1/8 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 1/8 teaspoon ground allspice

Finely grind fenugreek seeds in an electric coffee/spice grinder. Stir together with remaining ingredients until combined well.

Berbere keeps in an airtight container, chilled, 3 months.

We found the fenugreek and the ground dried New Mexico chiles at Sprouts, a local health food store.

Shorba

• ½ yellow onion, diced
• 1 small carrot, diced
• 1 tsp freshly grated ginger
• 3 cloves garlic, minced
• 1 tbsp berbere or curry powder
• 1 tsp fenugreek seeds
• 1½ cups vegetable broth
• ¼ cup tomato paste
• ¼ cup brown or green lentils
• 1 Yukon Gold potato, diced
• ¼ cup whole wheat orzo pasta

Over medium-high heat, saute the onion until it is brown. Reduce the heat to medium.

Add the carrot, ginger, garlic, curry powder, and fenugreek, sauteing them for about 1 minute.

Add the veggie broth and tomato paste, stirring until the tomato paste is thoroughly combined with the broth. Bring the soup to a simmer. Stir in the lentils and potato. Once the soup comes back to a simmer, cover the pot and reduce the heat to low.

Cook the soup for 35 minutes.

Add the orzo; cook according to package directions.

I have a recipe for you tomorrow and will be back to regular posting on Monday, but today I’m writing on behalf of a few others.

There are three folks I know of who are in unfortunate circumstances. I want to give you a little synopsis about them, and provide the opportunity for you to read more and donate to any of their causes.

Vanessa: for her daughter

Vanessa’s daughter was born with hydrocephalus which resulted in cerebral palsy and blindness. (I did some googling when I first heard that, too.) She has been accepted into a stem cell transplant program and is raising money for the trip and procedures. (For those wary of stem cells, these are harvested from umbilical cord blood.)

To learn more about their journey and to make a donation, go here.

Jonathan: for his late teammate’s wife and kids

Jonathan has become interested in endurance sports — triathlon, to be specific — in the last couple of years. As part of his training, has participated in shorter events, including the Philadelphia marathon in November. During that race, Chris, a friend and Ironman teammate died a quarter of a mile before the finish line.

Jonathan and his friend Paul are having a “Battle of Broad Street” — a “may the best man win” competition full of trash talk in this weekend’s Broad Street Run. The write-up in the local paper is here.

You can go to http://fundly.com/battleofbroadstreet to “bet” on Jonathan or Paul. All proceeds go to Chris’s wife and children.

Michelle: for her cancer treatments

Michelle is a friend who guest posted here a couple of months ago for Colon Cancer Awareness Month. She is a tireless advocate for cancer awareness, detection, and prevention for both colon cancer and cancer in the young adult community. Her cancer was in remission for four years.

Ironically, during Colon Cancer Awareness Month, Michelle’s cancer returned in new places. Contemporary American health insurance what it is, medical bills are a concern.

For more information and to help Michelle and her family take care of their medical bills, there is a donation page here.

I have been feeling so sucky. Not in a sick way, but in a life sucks and people suck and being broke sucks and I’m sucky and fat.

Now, if you have been following along with me, or if you know me personally, I don’t really believe life sucks (usually), or that people suck (most of them don’t suck), can’t argue with being broke, and I definitely don’t think I’m sucky, and I don’t call myself fat. I call myself “fat in transition.”

But the past week I have been struggling like crazy. Crying in front of people who are not my sisters. Crying in front of people who generally only see me cry once in every six months. I’m just bummed.

It’s a whole mess of things that if I listed here, would exceed the blog’s limit for infinity. I know it’s just a blip, I’ve been here before but this has been a little harder to get out of. I think because it’s more than how I look that’s bringing me down. It’s my job. It’s my lack of money. It’s exhaustion.

On Saturday, I had a really scary moment and I could see myself tiptoeing back to the mouth of the rabbit hole. When I say it like that, it sounds like I’m about to start shooting up again. But that’s what it feels like. I’m referring to food. Before I started this whole process, I was addicted to fast food. I ate it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. If it wasn’t fast food, it was Doritos, ramen, Mac and cheese… Anything. It just made things better when I was eating it. And it was a freaking hard habit to kick.

I was hungry on Saturday. I went to get something to eat. I pulled into the parking lot of a plaza near my house and came to a fork in the road. Right was Filiberto’s, left was Sprouts. That was one of the hardest choices I’ve had to make in a long while. I turned left.

The other day at work, I ate pizza. Two slices. I wanted a third. The only thing that stopped me was that I didn’t pay for it and I felt guilty.

Food is my addiction. I recognize the triggers, but sometimes it is so hard to ignore that voice that’s telling me that it would be okay to have a six-piece McNugget. No harm in a Taco Bell taco.

I know that this will pass. And I always tell myself, right before I go to sleep, that tomorrow will be better. But I’m struggling this week. Probably more than I’ve struggled in the past 22 months. I know I’ve just got to keep pushing on because I have an issue with not completing something I’ve started, no matter what the cost.